I set off to Oral Roberts University at eighteen, with an eager expectation of meeting my spouse. Yet, despite praying to find one, I graduated from ORU without a MRS. degree.
But I didn’t give up hope. I’d just meet him at work. When that didn’t pan out in my twenties, I crawled into my thirties barely clinging to hope. If I couldn’t meet him in a dating pool of over three thousand bachelors at the university and about twenty or more at my work, how could I meet them now that I was older and serving in a small ministry?
To help “secure” my prince, I became a student of dating. I read dating books to find the secret to landing a husband. I learned a lot, but some books contradicted each other, so I was on a tea cup ride, being jerked to the left, jerked to the right, only to realize I was only going around and around. And once it stopped, I was nauseous and dizzy.
One book said that God doesn’t play matchmaker, so stop waiting on him to bring the ONE to your door. Otherwise, you’ll marry the Fed-EX delivery man. So, make a goal to converse with at least five strangers a week and try to set up three dates per week. What?!? I’m an introvert, so how do I solicit that many dates on a consistent basis? I tried, but I couldn’t get myself to approach one man, much less five.
But this theory that God’s not a matchmaker contradicted promises He already gave me:
- In one day, I received three prophetic words from three different people. They told me He was giving me someone exceedingly, abundantly, above and beyond what I could hope or imagine (Ephesians 3:20). I was in my thirties, dating someone unsuitable when I received these prophetic words.
- I had dreamt about this man. I knew he’d be honorable and uphold purity.
- God told me He wasn’t giving me what I expect, but what I need. (What did that mean?)
Were these words and my dream accurate?
So, I read another book where the author said that God does match us with the ONE, so wait on Him to connect you with your spouse. Don’t make it happen.
What if I’m not praying enough for God to connect with my spouse? What if I disobey God’s instruction? Will I miss the window to meet the ONE, and he marries someone else?
Are you getting as dizzy as I was?
But a close friend assured me that my path would intersect with the man God promised. That’s what happened in 2017. I met my husband at a dream class and a few months later, we saw each other on a regular basis, at a bi-monthly dream interpretation meeting. The hostess split the group in two or three teams, and she’d always put us on the same team (for a year)!
Did I get a clue? A little. I noticed we had chemistry and could converse easily. We shared some similarities and values. And one week, we both dreamed of the same actor. Weird!
Yet, I didn’t know he was my prince. He didn’t dress like my expectation, look like my expectation, or work in a career I expected.
But God was persistent. I started dreaming about him and having two significant visions about him in church. Someone at a house church meeting prophesied that God was jumping up and down trying to give me a gift. But because of my filter, I wasn’t seeing it accurately. Did I embrace this gift? Not yet. (Yes, I was that dense.)
Finally, one night after chatting on the phone as friends, I knew that he “spoke my language” and we started dating. A year-and-a-half later, we got married.
Was it worth the wait? Have I seen May flowers blossom because of April tears? Thousand times yes. God was right, Robert is definitely exceedingly, abundantly, above all I could hope or imagine. I love being married to my best friend and doing life with him.
While I’m no dating expert or have a secret formula on how to find your spouse, I have learned a few lessons along the way.
Three Tips I’ve Discovered from My Singleness Journey:
- Follow God, not a formula: Instead of debating, “Does God choose our spouses from birth?” I’d prefer to focus on interacting with him about this journey. “God, how can I walk with you in my dating journey?” So, God prepared me the whole time. For example, he instructed me to pursue online dating for a season. While I didn’t connect with my husband this way, I became more open about dating through going out on dates in person and chatting on the phone.
- Lean on your community: I had many questions about dating and marriage, so having people to provide wise counsel helped. They debunked lies, encouraged me when I was struggling, and faithfully prayed for me. Many times, I just needed someone to listen reflectively without judgment or moralizing.
- Face lies, pain, and fears: For years, I didn’t want to face lies about my worth. These lies kept me from being vulnerable with men. I didn’t show a man I was interested because I was afraid he’d reject me. I hide behind a wall like Rapunzel on the high tower, so I wouldn’t get hurt. But that was a slow death to my growth. A few years before I met Robert, God led me on a healing journey where those walls were torn down.