I’ve procrastinated sharing this latest update because I’m disappointed with myself; thus, I don’t want to open up.
But I feel like I need to. So, here goes. (Can you hear my groan?)
I didn’t meet my beta-reading deadline.
I was determined to get my manuscript into the hands of beta readers by March 31st, then April 15th. Actually, felt confident that I’d meet the rescheduled deadline.
But as I was editing a chapter, I wanted to verify the legal research I had conducted earlier. Low and behold, I stumbled upon a legal twist that gave my protagonist more options. Uh oh! This disrupts my novel!
Now, I’m changing several chapters and even deleted one that I worked hard on. To say that I was unhappy is an understatement. I was very dejected, especially knowing I wouldn’t meet my deadline again. Suddenly, it felt like someone had deflated all my energy like a flat tire. And I didn’t want to admit it, but I felt like I was shrouded in failure.
To avoid feeling like I failed, I quit tracking my progress completely and quit reporting to my accountability partners weekly. However, I didn’t quit crafting, reading, writing, or meeting weekly with my critique partner-the bright side. But I did slow down on journaling (but picking that back up) and shooting videos.
Every time I wanted to get back on the accountability wagon, I felt resistance. So, when I felt the nudge to come “clean” on my progress on the blog, I had to ask myself why I resisted tracking my progress. And why I felt ashamed.
So, I asked Holy Spirit what was causing me to feel ashamed and why I was procrastinating to track my progress.
His answer? The shadow of a past failure is filling me with shame and regret.
See, I worked on a Middle-Grade novel for several years. First converting it from one manuscript to a trilogy once I realized the first book covered too much for one book, especially for middle-grade readers. After I divided it into three books, I was going to pitch it at ACFW, but I didn’t feel like I had a refined pitch. So, I consulted with an author at the conference, and she suggested I alter it majorly. Her advice turned me upside down. I realized that I needed to re-think my entire premise.
I’ve shelved that book series for now as I focus on two WIP:
- historical fiction based on my grandparents’ love story (I’ve had it edited but need to review edits and refine).
- Love at The Mayo, the contemporary woman’s fiction. The one with the beta-reading deadline.
When I didn’t meet this deadline for Love At the Mayo, I felt that same wave of failure when I shelved the MG novel. But I didn’t explore that feeling and take the thoughts captive. You know, the harassing lies that taunted me, “You’ll never finish and publish this book.”
This week, I asked God to help me take these thoughts captive. I forgave myself for procrastinating on tracking my progress. And asked him to help me with tracking my progress and reporting to my accountability partners.
And He’s come through.
- My accountability partner texted me recently, asking how I’m doing.
- My husband prayed for me about this issue.
- Interestingly enough, when I chatted with a close friend recently, (we never discussed my writing during this conversation), she shared about the Enneagram, a personality assessment. I had taken the test a year earlier and knew I’m a 9 (the Adaptive Peacemaker.) But my friend texted me a video diving deeper into the Enneagram. So, I watched a video with a panel of 9’s discussing their traits. Low and behold, 9’s tend to procrastinate unless they have structure and deadlines (they lit a fire under 9’s); otherwise, they’re floating in the air unable to land.
Uh oh… that hit home.
So, I’m jumping back on the wagon and setting an achievable deadline of May 31st.
Here’s my math that helps me to have daily markers:
- 32 chapters left to edit for beta readers
- 27 working days left. Edit 1 chapter a day.
- 3 chapters on Mondays. (12 chapters for the month)
= 27 chapters + 8 extra from Mondays = 35 chapters edited for the month.
This is doable!
To keep me accountable:
- I’ll report my editing progress every week on the blog. And to reach this goal, I’m only blogging every other week this month, but on the off week, I’ll still provide an update on the blog. (So, the next full blog will be in two weeks.)
- And I’ll report my progress weekly to my accountability partners.
- My reward for reaching this goal is to buy a new pair of shoes. (I admit, I need rewards to help motivate me.)
I feel relieved opening up to you, especially because I’ve blogged about my deadline, but didn’t give an update when it came and went. But I no longer want to empower shame or guilt, but embrace grace, joy, and progress. I realize this is another opportunity to rely on God’s grace to make this happen instead of my strength. I tend to be independent and determined, trying to flex my muscles and push through, but God doesn’t ask me to do that. He asks me to rely on Jesus’s strength working through me.
For it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure. Philippians 2:13 ESV
20 Now may the God of peace who brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great shepherd of the sheep, by the blood of the eternal covenant, 21 equip you with everything good that you may do his will, working in us that which is pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen. Hebrews 13:20-21.
Recently, the husband of a proficient writer shared with me that his wife has always met her manuscript deadlines for her publisher. Think just one time when she was hospitalized, she submitted the manuscript the day after the deadline (still impressive!) That statement convicted me. Since I don’t have a publisher or an agent yet, I’m writing on my own “time”. But I still need to be as accountable if I were meeting a publisher’s deadline.
So, will you help me? I need your tips, encouragement, and any wisdom you learned from a similar experience. Thank you!