God, I invite your searching gaze into my heart. Examine me through and through; find out everything that may be hidden within me. Put me to the test and sift through all my anxious cares. See if there is any path of pain I’m walking on, and lead me back to your glorious everlasting ways – the path that brings me back to you. Psalms 139:23-24 TPT
I started this series on vulnerability by urging us to share our deepest fears. It’s tempting to hide behind them and keep them a secret. We don’t admit them to ourselves even though we feel them. And we definitely don’t admit them to others, afraid we’ll get exposed as an imposter.
I didn’t want to share with others because I thought they’d reinforce what I feared the most. Better to pretend all is good than hear others say what I fear about my writing.
But I knew hiding behind my fears holds me back. I’m tentative to share my work, and I feel like I’m shackled as I write. So, I encouraged us to share with someone this deep fear. For me, I shared my fear on Facebook Live.
My greatest fear as a writer is: I won’t provide the best book I can write. I fear that no matter how hard I try, my best effort isn’t good enough. And I fear that somehow, I’m not tapping into my best effort and utilizing the gifts I’ve been given.
For me to admit this fear out loud helped to address it courageously. And work on obliterating its impact on my writing. I’ll share more and write more freely.
Now, I want to end this series with another act of vulnerability. I’m cringing about admitting some of my secret motivations as an author, but I want to be honest with myself. So, I can face them and get free. If I don’t admit them, they’ll lead me off the wrong path.
- I want validation. I’d like to meet a “bestselling” goal, so I can be recognized as a decent writer. I want a mile marker to prove I can write. And I want someone respected to tap me on the back and assure that I belong as a writer.
- Become wealthy. Desiring to make a decent living writing is reasonable especially since when writing is a career, not a hobby. So I’m not ashamed of this motivation on the surface. But I want to change my drive to make a fortune through my stories as if this will validate my writing. Honestly, this has little to do with serving the readers, but more to do with my wounds and personal issues. Definitely an issue to give to the Lord.
Since I can’t change myself, I’m setting these desires at Jesus’s feet and asking for help. How can I ground myself in my identity as a human being, rooted and grounded in His love? How can I renew my mind so my purpose is solely found in Him, not in accomplishments?
This is my journey. And I’m grateful that in my weakness and inability to make this right, I can surrender these motivations to Him. I can’t imagine if we had to continually be strong and try to change ourselves. We’d be in a perpetual cycle unable to fix ourselves, no matter how hard we try.
But God, through Christ, allows us to lean on His strength during our weakness and to be transformed into the image of Christ. That’s my identity- I’m a child of God.
While God provides many disciplines to help us surrender our weakness to receive His strength, meditating on the Word is one that’s helping me.
Scriptures I’ve meditated on:
- Psalms 139 (the whole chapter).
- The Lord’s Prayer in Matthew 6: 7-13.
- Ephesians 1:17-20 (TPT). Verse 17: I pray that the Father of glory, the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, would impart to you the riches of the Spirit of wisdom and the Spirit of revelation to know him through your deepening intimacy with him.
- Philippians 3:8, 10 (ESV): “Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ…that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death
How about you? What is one of your maligned motivations as a writer? And what’s helping you renew your mind so you don’t need these motivations to create your best art? Please share in Comments. Thank you!